David D'eath
by TurboChicken
Summary: The grimp reaper makes a terrible mistake one night and is punished by god. His fate is to work in a supermarket for six months. Join david d'eath on his funny adventures as a shop assistant.
1. Shit hits the fan

The Chronicles of Dave De'ath.

Hatched by Turbo Chicken.

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** Chapter One. The Shit Hits The Fan.**

The grim reaper knew he was in hot water again, why would the head honcho, the big cheese, the creator of all things wonderful summons him to his office. The large cavernous room shimmered with a heavenly light that emitted a soothing warmth. Piped supermarket music mumbled softly in the background. Where is he, he's deliberately making me wait, letting me stew, he thought. Or he could be giving me time to come up with a reasonable excuse. The grim reaper shook his head in despair, no he's definitely making me stew, he concluded. The huge doors to the office slowly creaked open to the sound of angels playing their harps. The reapers stomach lurched, oh boy, any minute now the shits gonna hit the fan I can feel it in my bones, he thought. God did not look amused as he eased himself into his chair; he lightly tapped his fingers on the desk, knocking out the first few bars of stairway to heaven by led zeppelin. Bollocks thought the reaper here it comes, any minute now, and then he braced himself for gods wrath. De'ath I think you know why I have asked you here today,said god in his warm but authoritive voice. Overtime sheets not being in on time? Replied de'ath. No, replied god. Being late on Tuesday? Noooo. Not putting in enough money for the tea and coffee collection? Enough!Enough of this nonsense! Does collecting souls whilst being intoxicated ring any bells with you, per chance? replied god sarcastically. Oh that, replied de'ath in an innocent tone. YES THAT! boomed god. The reaper frantically tried to explain, It was lady luck you see, we met at satan's new bar The Inferno, I thought I would pop in for a swift half on my way to work and well one thing sort of led to another and before I knew it, it was time for work. I honestly didn't think I had had that much to drink at the time, explained de'ath, although I did feel slightly intoxicated, but I thought it was just the effects of being in the company of lady luck, you know how intoxicated she can make you feel, ask any mortal when they get lucky on the horses, or win a dream holiday, you feel like you are on an incredible high, intoxicated, he explained.I really did'nt have that much to drink,so you can't really blame me for being irresponsible because I don't think I were. Well I suppose that throws a different light on things , replied god but it still does not excuse the fact that your cock up has caused a shed load of grief! We just cannot allow the wrong souls being collected, according to the head of the destiny office unscheduled collections cause absolute turmoil, you see, it causes a huge time riff throwing everything out of cinque, futures have to be replanned, destinies have to be rewritten, its an enormous load of extra work, not to mention the cost in overtime pay, the unions are calling for double time on this one, your little blip could break us financially, he groaned.

.I am sorry de'ath, but this is one mistake too many this time, the board of directors want blood, they are asking for your resignation. However, I do feel that they may be overeacting to this unfortunate incident and maybe, once tempers have cooled down, a suitable punishment may be accepted. It will have to be a punishment that will befit the crime though, the punishment I am afraid will have to be severe this time. Dear god ,just let me explain, apologise, begged de'ath. Resting his elbow on the desk whilst rubbing his beard in contemplation, god pondered a while, Uhmmm let me think, he said. Meanwhile Lucifer the fallen angel was irritatingly flying around high up in one corner of the room doing loop the loops with a malicious grin on his ridicoulous face, quietly jeering and laughing at deaths unfortunate predicament. Thinking aloud, god said, I think a suitable punishment would be, ( head shlapping!)squealed lucifer with delight. No, I think it should be, (head shlapping) squealed Lucifer even louder and with much more glee than before, no… retorted god, I think you should have… (head shlapping!) GO TO HELL, boomed god and he zapped Lucifer with his finger of wrath. In a blinding flash Lucifer had gone. Ooooh… he's such an irritating devil at times, god remarked. I am afraid he's put me off now,I appear to have lost the thread, I think I am going to have to sleep on it de'ath, I suggest you be in my office tomorrow morning 9am sharp, goodbye.

In a blink of an eye god had disappeared, the piped music droned simply the best by tina turner in the background. Oh boy, thought de'ath remorsefully, and as he slowly crawled out of the office cringing with embarrasment and shame, the piped music changed to who's sorry now?


	2. Reduced

**DISCLAMIER: i do not own Saving Private Ryan.**

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**Chapter Two: Reduced**

The following day at 9am sharp de'ath found himself back in gods office before the almighty awaiting his sentence to be passed, don't you forget about me, played softly in the background. Well as you know I have slept on it, and I feel that I have given your punishment considerable thought and it has been decided that you will spend six months on earth as a mortal working as a shop assistant in tesko's, it think that is fitting punishment exclaimed god. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Whined de'athas he fell to his knees in absolute disbelief, clutching his head in his hands. YES boomed god, save the amateur dramatics for another time, NOW GO! Reluctantly de'ath slouched out of the office to a chorus of "wish me luck as you wave me goodbye" quietly thrumming away in the background. Totally inappropriate choice of music he thought. Oh well it might not be that bad, he thought, to himself. Who are you trying to kid! squealed Lucifer. How rude, you know its totally unacceptable to read other people minds aloud said de'ath. Knickers! retorted Lucifer. De'ath finally lost his patience and whacked Lucifer hard with his sickle squishing him into the wall. Mess with me and you die!, now sod off you irritating little shite,

and with that he promptly left, leaving Lucifer semi-conscious on the floor seeing stars, and a few planets as well.

At 9.30 am that same morning de'ath found himself in the supermarket managers office in front of Gavin the store manager.Well Mr De'ath, call me dave, interrupted de'ath, well dave, I am Gavin, you can call me that away from the customers, but in front of them you address me as Mr. Perkins, ok. Ok replied de'ath. Have you any retail experience then dave? Well, umm, well, umm. I'll take that as a no then shall I? What have you done before, I take it you have been previously employed? Well sort of. What do you mean sort of? Well I worked freelance, in collecting, Collecting? As in debts you mean. Yes, sort off. Ok then, with that in mind I think you should start off gradually, we shall ease you into the world of retailing gently at first, I think you will be better off starting in reduced. Reduced?queried de'ath.Yes, our reduced section, poor sellers, damaged goods, short shelf life, that sort of thing. Remarked Gavin. I think I would be ok with that especially the goods with a short shelflife, replied de'ath. Standing in front of the reduced section Gavin offered de'ath a red biro. There you go dave, you will need to reduce some goods down to shift them, I will leave that as your decision as to which goods you feel should be marked down further, any queries? Good grief, thought de,ath and to think I studied in the university of life for years! Putting on a false smile de'ath replied, Fine gavin, absolutely fine, no problemo. Good, replied gavin as he left, well you know where I am.Thanks replied de'ath. Letting out a long drawn out sigh he thought how the hell am I going to endure this, I feel brain dead already, looking at the huge pile of tatty goods in front of him he muttered to himself, right then, let's have a look at what shite we have here. Looking around he saw that there was an assortment of battered tins and packets, the usual stuff, pickled baby octopus in brightly decorated mediteranean styled jars, left over from xmas, I bet, he thought to himself, top seasonal seller not, he thought,smirking slightly, a packet of torn sooper dooper dog poo bags depicting a picture of a dog having a crap whilst its prim and proper mistress opens her packet of bags getting ready to collect the poo like a responsible citizen.A Rick Asterly cd, a pair of psychedelic leg warmers size 3, some pink fluffy ear muffs, very fetching he smirked. The godfather sticker collection, portraying a picture of a severed horses head in someones satin sheeted bed, a machine gun and a cheese wire with written quotes such as you looking at me, and don't take it personal it's only beesness, with the label underneath declaring suitable for small children. What ever happened to youth and innocence he thought rolling his eyes up to the ceiling. In his peripheral vision he saw a pile of heavily thumbed and slightly dishevelled books and magazines.Ooh this could be enlightening he mused. I wonder if there is anything here that might tickle my fancy? he thought. A brightly coloured book displaying images of the universe caught his eye, it was titled At last the meaning of the universe and the big bang theory, by professor Stephen Hawkin . Should be interesting he thought, he thumbed through it slowly at first then decided to speed read it,he closed the book with a supersillious expression uttering, ridiculous, totally ridiculous, well off the mark, wrong completely wrong, you need to go back to the drawing board laddie, he thought. Mind you, how can any meer mortal argue it out with this guy, theories, bah humbug, he concluded, not worth the chalk there written in! Then he saw it, a slightly battered edition titled saving private ryan, in brackets (in northern dialogue) it announced. Entriuging he thought, he remembered actually seeing the film at the local plaza, and how he enthused about it for a long time afterwards, the special effects were amazing, very realistic, and sad, so sad, and totally pointless of course such a terrible waste of life, futures and destinies destroyed, left empty, unfilled. Thinking of destiny, I had better crack on he thought, but his mind kept wandering back to that evening in the plaza where he had gone to collect the soul of the local glutten Brian Masson. A comic book collector with a shop in the high street. Many hours were spent musing by brian over his various published editions whilst stuffing his chubby face with highly fattening tasty comestables. Its pay back time! Thought death as he eyed Ryan sitting in the corner of the plaza, occuping the space of several seats much to the annoyance of other customers who were uncomfortabley squashed on the end of the row that he occupied. On his lap sat a large box of cadburys hero's nestled behind a huge glutton man sized bucket of popcorn. Which he was busily polishing of rather noisily much to the annoyance of the people around him.

"Fat bastard!" mumbled a northern man to a women next to him who sat two rows behind him.

Death took two items from his cloak pocket, the first item was a cinema program giving information on the starting and finishing times of each film. After studying the program for a few seconds, death turned his attention to the pocket watch. Re-checking the program once more for the finishing time of the film he then proceeded to set the alarm on the watch to coenside with the finishing time of the film then made himself comfortable and settled down to view the film whilst keeping a close eye on brian at the same time.

As the film ended, leaving most of the viewers excited and emotionally affected, so much so that nobody had noticed that gluten guy hadn't moved for the last 30 minuets. Job done! said death to himself, and promptly left struggling with the sheer size of the huge soul he had come to collect.

Re-applying his attention to the book he flicked through it until he found his most favourite scene of all time. The death of Medic Irwin Wade. Fantastic piece of acting, thought death, I was so moved by that scene. He then proceeded to read.

_As wade laid dying on the cold hard ground he wined " EEEEEE! I WANT ME MAH!"_

"_Shut ya face ya big girls blouse" said Captain Miller. _

"_Eeee, hurry up and die we've got some Germans and a few cockney bastards to shoot" Retorted Mellish. _

"_Jackson! Go mash some tea" barked miller. _

"_Captain, I think Wade's dead" remarked Upham. _

"_YOU KNOW NOUGHT!" shouted Sergeant Horvath. _

Death froze; his head was spinning just like that evening in satins' bar when he had become intoxicated, he couldn't feel his limbs, or anything else for that matter. He was totally frozen to the spot in a total state of shock. What is this? he asked himself, Could it be sacrilege or a literary master piece? He decided on the latter, so removing the red biro from his cloak pocket he promptly drew a red line through the £2.50 price tag knocking it down to 50p, then with his fancy well and truly tickled, he proceeded to the till to purchase his find.


End file.
